I haven't written down one of my dreams in a while. tonight I had a dream that two Mexican women and a Mexican man took Judson hostage and were going to sell us. I wasn't too sure what for but it wasn't sex trafficking. it skipped over to kind of a testing facility dorm area. I was by myself in the beginning but then two classmates that I remember from Judson (Teresa Garcia and candall west). I had been looking around and I saw a mirror and I looked super unhealthy, I wanted to find something healthy to eat then start lifting weights in order to eventually fight these people off. that's when the two classmates walked in. they both said hey Kris, and I was like hey guys and then they said we weren't saying hi to you Lena and so I replied with I know but I still said hi to you and they just looked away. so I just brushed it off, I don't mind being by myself anyway. as i was looking for food I noticed there was weed incorporated with everything. I didn't like that, maybe because I don't really like being high anymore. I get lazy and eat super unhealthy foods while doing so. I eventually found my cell phone and I texted my mom that I was trapped in this place to call the cops but she was like well what do I say, where do we start? so I'm guessing I switched bodies for a second and became a detective and was screaming why are we just sitting here looking at each other? its common sense, first look up the missing bus numbers from Judson's bus parking lot, find those certain drivers identification and track them down and question them. figure out if they are even legal. and thats when everyone in the office was like OMG what if they are illegals, and I was like cmon people really?! and so I said this is why it's so hard to get a green card cause of shady ass Mexicans. and the Mexican women in the office got offended, but I didn't care cause I knew I was right. it shipped back to me in the dorm area, there were finally more people around and so I decided to find fruit to eat but literally all healthy items were rotted so I found meat! I was like I'll just make some baked chicken with pasta. and then some little girl who I guess was like queen b came yelling at me so I told her first of all I can't understand you, second of all instead of screaming at me I'm pretty sure if you expanded your vocabulary you could express yourself easier. then she just looked shocked and walked away. ugh I'm tired of swiping on my phone.
I guess it finally hit me that Linda is gone. I had a dream I was in some kind of building waiting in a line and I tried to go back to my original spot in the line and that's when I saw her. she was next in line to go through some doors, she looked so happy. Everyone was saying "bye Linda! " That's when I screamed wait! Don't leave me! And I ran up to her and hugged her so tightly and she picked me up and spun me around. She kept repeating, "it's okay, its okay, you're gonna be okay"
You know her and I used to talk about what was gonna happen when we die and she grew up going to a catholic school which turned her agnostic in a way, and myself, I've always been very confused in what is truly out there. Right now I'm finally fully getting intensive knowledge on Buddhism by going to a temple Saturday mornings. I hope that it gives me some information that I can believe in. I've never felt so...alone before. I'm not sad anymore, I'm not content, I'm not angry, I'm just numb. I feel like if someone asks me if I'm okay that I'm going to explode. I need to write it down in here, I don't want to talk to any one. Maybe its better off this way, everyone always leaves me anyway, if I leave everyone else then I can have the upper hand for once. It honestly feels weird right now, my anxiety has never been this bad before. I think I play it off very well. I wish I could tell Dyllan, Jordan or even Simon.They are probably the few people I've had a connection with in a very long time that I just can't let go of. I wish I could. They have a permanent place in my heart. It sucks, it really does. It doesn't matter how a person hurts me, I still will care 100% about them. I wish I didn't, I wish I was selfish. I can't sleep anymore, I need to try though, I have work soon. Oh well, until next time.... Typical typical typical dream tonight. I'll make it short since I'm tired still. I was having a sleep over but I don't exactly remember who those were besides Chloe. I know for a fact that I didn't like them. I don't even sleep overs. anyway back to the point, like all my typical dreams everything I did was wrong, or out of my control. even the simplest things I couldn't do, kinda like I was mentally not there to everyone else but to me everything made perfect sense. at the same time of the sleepover, Chanel was having a baby shower, I don't think I was invited. Chloe takes my phone and throws it in the toilet for some reason, which pissed me off. I tried doing the same thing to her but it wouldn't work, it just made me more angry. as I left the bathroom people from my school were in my room like there was a party going on, I tried to tell them to leave but it wouldn't work so I tried to leave which took forever. I went downstairs (mind you this all was happening in the house I grew up in), and saw a bunch of phones, I went one by one trying to find mine. never did. I saw one similar though so I took it and went straight out the front door. I just wanted to leave forever. but as always in my dreams when I try and leave so does everyone else. so everyone from the house started following me and I got so aggravated. so they tried to surround me and not let me through, so right then and there I gave up. I put a smile on my face and said I don't care anymore, it's impossible for me to care anymore. everyone looked very confused. I was going through things that usually got me angry and basically was care free. everyone was leaving me alone, finally. when someone asked why I said dharma and do no harm to others. we are all connected, we should start acting it.
I guess what I take from that is stop trying to control everything lena, stop worrying so much about literally everything. just be happy, treat everything with unconditional love and compassion. I just wish I could sleep better, my back is killing me. I'm still pretty tired. it's only 7:23am maybe I'll sleep an hour more. |
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