dear brain ,
please please please please please stop thinking I can't handle any of this anymore.
please I'm begging you.
please please please please please stop thinking I can't handle any of this anymore.
please I'm begging you.
dear brain ,
please please please please please stop thinking I can't handle any of this anymore. please I'm begging you.
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In tonight's dream it was weird because at first it was me in my room then it switched tell me being taken away in brought into a school it's kind of confusing cause College is a choice I shouldn't be in school and I saw people i went tohigh school with and they're forcing me to go back to school which is I guess one of my biggest fears and I was like college is a choice I don't have to be here you're holding me against my will and it wasn't like the government i guess it was kind of like aliens and I was like im going two make your life a living hell every single day until you release me to my freedom not knowing what's on the other side but anything would be better than not being able to think for yourself. I wanted out, even if it meant being dead. Anything was better than being helpless. But as I'm typing this it reminded Me of RoboCop , the scientist said the guy had the illusion of free will, since they were basically controlling him the entire time which is just.... Inhumane that a human would want to do that, but hey their are some people like it.. Or maybe its my subconscious telling me that my little idea for the future (creating a program to breed and help raise the generation that can save the planet and the human race), is something out of my control. Idk maybe I just have a crazy imagination who knows.
I had a dream that my brother had his girlfriend. She was staying over more than usual and one night I came downstairs and all her stuff was in the living room along with three other kids. my brother then said she's pregnant and that he wants her to keep it and he wants to raise it as a family so she's moving in. I went psycho and tried to push her down the stairs,I just wanted to get rid of her. but it didn't work. so I went even more psycho in the kitchen and I grabbed a knife and was threatening everyone, what the hell, it was a weird dream.
For some reason I only feel like putting the end of my dream this time. I was on a train and I got my sticks wet but I didn't know anyone really on the train so this guy offered to give me his socks, I was really grateful. Once my socks were off he all of a sudden changed his mind. I guess that was just one of my insecurities coming out in dream form (even though I am always barefoot.) Then it switched to Kat and I talking. We were walking some where and I guess she didn't want to be my friend anymore but I still tried hard to be hers. It was mostly about music, I was singing the wrong lyrics to a song but I was having a good time so I didn't care. So Kat changed to genre of music, it was like frank Sinatra type of music. I guess she thought I didn't know who it was but I did.
Kinda wishing I could skip to the point... I don't feel like putting all the details down. Anyway it was basically how Kat and i's relationship was throughout highschool and the years after. Long story short, she full of shit and it took me over 6 years to realize it. Then it switched to some white woman being quite mean to me but me acting like it doesn't phase me, like I usually act. I guess they are expecting me to be ghetto or something, which I am far from. She told me I was going to be a slave, so I told her, okay cool. She was like... dumbfounded. My"slave master" was her 6 year old daughter. Everything she told me to do, I did. Literally everything. Like for example, she told me to eat some ants. I did, but as I was doing it I was talking to god and the ants. "Please don't bite me, I don't want to eat you but she's making me" so they didn't, it was almost like the world knew I was being treated bad by other people that I didn't deserve to be treated bad by any other means. That's kinda how I feel now. It then skipped to my mom arguing with me about being black and how white people want everything people of color have. Our lips and bodies and our confidence. Which I think is true. I think women want to be us and men can't help but love us. I mean... Am I lying? I actually feel pretty cocky right now, I never feel cocky. I dont like the feeling. Towards the end a boy on Facebook that looked just like Dyllan but he had a different name. He wouldn't add me, and that frustrated me. (Idk why this was important but I remember it lol, maybe it's because I feel like I try to hard to be in his life and he just want me to be) Anyways, um im actually getting pissed off cause I hate swiping on my phone. I don't know what to dream about anymore, not just today but every time, and I'm hungry, I didn't eat dinner. None of that was important, I guess I'm just rambling since I have no one to talk to. Oh my god. Tonights dream was like a video game. I was at the house I grew up in and I woke up to find instructions on the wall, but I guess I woke up too early because they were still trying to set up the house for me. something seemed off to me, I didn't know these people. I wanted to get out as soon as possible. so I figured go through the garage. I pressed the button to get out and as soon as I got closer to the door it stated to close, but like in all my dreams I can just push through any door and escape. outside the house was different, there was a huge pile over to the side of the street so I went to go look and it was bodies. millions and millions of bodies. I tried to run but this little boy caught my hand. he looked like a zombie... but worse. these things were smart and very agile. I found a stick and stuck it through his mouth all the way through his head... but he didn't die. I thought to myself well shit it's not a zombie, I'm fucked. I saw a bunch of other creatures like him going into house and closing the door behind them. still carrying the little boy I found a house with the door open. I thought I could trick the creatures by closing the door so they would think one of them was already inside. I saw an older woman on the floor, I thought she was dead but as soon as I closed the door she got up and locked it. she was happy that I wasn't one of them. I went to go lock the back door and saw and older man back there and tried to close it on him, but he was alive too. with both doors locked we felt relived. I noticed the boy was still moving. all of a sudden he morphed into a German Shepard and started to bark. i then suddenly stopped and a dog appeared at the back door, looked at us then left. I said that we needed to go. and as soon as I said that, the old woman and man vanished. I was like shit...I tried to hide on the over head beams as they came in to search the house but they looked straight up and hit me with a sick and it all went dark. it skipped to me in a truck, I guess I was saved but some other survivors and I overheard them talking about me. they were saying if I had my glasses and glove that I could be a better fighter. I saw a girl jump off the truck and into a cleaners,I figured that was my way out. I've always been one to think if there was ever a zombie apocalypse or anything of that sort, smaller groups are better than large ones. as soon as I got off all the creatures turned and looked at me so I darted towards the cleaners another girl jumped off and quickly met my speed and handed me my gloves and glasses I felt different, I was hitting these creatures away from me so easily now. we got in the cleaners and I locked the door. one of the creatures managed to get in but I quickly took his head off, thinking thats what killed them. I was wrong it quietly followed me til I found more survivors. (this thought just came to me, if you have ever seen the strain on fx that's what these creatures reminded me of)
I'm too tired to write the rest it's like 5:28am I usually have super vivid dreams and I can wake up and fall back asleep and continue on with the dream, but anyway, I was dreaming that everyone was in a video game and I never completed it because I simply just didn't want to put up with it. Which I do in reality with basically everything, the creator of the game for frustrated and tried to dumb it down for me and when it got a little complicated I got annoyed and didn't want to do it anymore. Then it skipped to me laying in bed and I was leaving my room to greet my sister, like today, and I was taller than usual and I couldn't figure out why she looked afraid of me and then I was like wait I greeted her downstairs today so I know this isn't real, so we walked downstairs and then demonic screaming started happening and I told her make a cross with your fingers, and she did and so did I but mine kept changing to an inverted one Then there was a part where I was over looking something and and to my left there was something in a hooded cape with bones and he was like my partner and I had a throne, and a massive animal underneath me. I was kinda comfortable. I didn't like it, the voice inside my head was like lena be a good person don't let one bad situation turn you angry, I'm just sitting in the dark now, scared this house scares me.
I haven't written down one of my dreams in a while. tonight I had a dream that two Mexican women and a Mexican man took Judson hostage and were going to sell us. I wasn't too sure what for but it wasn't sex trafficking. it skipped over to kind of a testing facility dorm area. I was by myself in the beginning but then two classmates that I remember from Judson (Teresa Garcia and candall west). I had been looking around and I saw a mirror and I looked super unhealthy, I wanted to find something healthy to eat then start lifting weights in order to eventually fight these people off. that's when the two classmates walked in. they both said hey Kris, and I was like hey guys and then they said we weren't saying hi to you Lena and so I replied with I know but I still said hi to you and they just looked away. so I just brushed it off, I don't mind being by myself anyway. as i was looking for food I noticed there was weed incorporated with everything. I didn't like that, maybe because I don't really like being high anymore. I get lazy and eat super unhealthy foods while doing so. I eventually found my cell phone and I texted my mom that I was trapped in this place to call the cops but she was like well what do I say, where do we start? so I'm guessing I switched bodies for a second and became a detective and was screaming why are we just sitting here looking at each other? its common sense, first look up the missing bus numbers from Judson's bus parking lot, find those certain drivers identification and track them down and question them. figure out if they are even legal. and thats when everyone in the office was like OMG what if they are illegals, and I was like cmon people really?! and so I said this is why it's so hard to get a green card cause of shady ass Mexicans. and the Mexican women in the office got offended, but I didn't care cause I knew I was right. it shipped back to me in the dorm area, there were finally more people around and so I decided to find fruit to eat but literally all healthy items were rotted so I found meat! I was like I'll just make some baked chicken with pasta. and then some little girl who I guess was like queen b came yelling at me so I told her first of all I can't understand you, second of all instead of screaming at me I'm pretty sure if you expanded your vocabulary you could express yourself easier. then she just looked shocked and walked away. ugh I'm tired of swiping on my phone.
I guess it finally hit me that Linda is gone. I had a dream I was in some kind of building waiting in a line and I tried to go back to my original spot in the line and that's when I saw her. she was next in line to go through some doors, she looked so happy. Everyone was saying "bye Linda! " That's when I screamed wait! Don't leave me! And I ran up to her and hugged her so tightly and she picked me up and spun me around. She kept repeating, "it's okay, its okay, you're gonna be okay"
You know her and I used to talk about what was gonna happen when we die and she grew up going to a catholic school which turned her agnostic in a way, and myself, I've always been very confused in what is truly out there. Right now I'm finally fully getting intensive knowledge on Buddhism by going to a temple Saturday mornings. I hope that it gives me some information that I can believe in. I've never felt so...alone before. I'm not sad anymore, I'm not content, I'm not angry, I'm just numb. I feel like if someone asks me if I'm okay that I'm going to explode. I need to write it down in here, I don't want to talk to any one. Maybe its better off this way, everyone always leaves me anyway, if I leave everyone else then I can have the upper hand for once. It honestly feels weird right now, my anxiety has never been this bad before. I think I play it off very well. I wish I could tell Dyllan, Jordan or even Simon.They are probably the few people I've had a connection with in a very long time that I just can't let go of. I wish I could. They have a permanent place in my heart. It sucks, it really does. It doesn't matter how a person hurts me, I still will care 100% about them. I wish I didn't, I wish I was selfish. I can't sleep anymore, I need to try though, I have work soon. Oh well, until next time.... Typical typical typical dream tonight. I'll make it short since I'm tired still. I was having a sleep over but I don't exactly remember who those were besides Chloe. I know for a fact that I didn't like them. I don't even sleep overs. anyway back to the point, like all my typical dreams everything I did was wrong, or out of my control. even the simplest things I couldn't do, kinda like I was mentally not there to everyone else but to me everything made perfect sense. at the same time of the sleepover, Chanel was having a baby shower, I don't think I was invited. Chloe takes my phone and throws it in the toilet for some reason, which pissed me off. I tried doing the same thing to her but it wouldn't work, it just made me more angry. as I left the bathroom people from my school were in my room like there was a party going on, I tried to tell them to leave but it wouldn't work so I tried to leave which took forever. I went downstairs (mind you this all was happening in the house I grew up in), and saw a bunch of phones, I went one by one trying to find mine. never did. I saw one similar though so I took it and went straight out the front door. I just wanted to leave forever. but as always in my dreams when I try and leave so does everyone else. so everyone from the house started following me and I got so aggravated. so they tried to surround me and not let me through, so right then and there I gave up. I put a smile on my face and said I don't care anymore, it's impossible for me to care anymore. everyone looked very confused. I was going through things that usually got me angry and basically was care free. everyone was leaving me alone, finally. when someone asked why I said dharma and do no harm to others. we are all connected, we should start acting it.
I guess what I take from that is stop trying to control everything lena, stop worrying so much about literally everything. just be happy, treat everything with unconditional love and compassion. I just wish I could sleep better, my back is killing me. I'm still pretty tired. it's only 7:23am maybe I'll sleep an hour more. just had a pretty horrible dream. I was at camp and literally everything I dish
did was wrong, people were constantly mean to me. even the simplest things, there were also some parts that I couldn't control. I'm not gonna go into detail about it because I am super exhausted. long story short is I think my anxiety is at an all time high. I wish it would just go away. |
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